Hello! Um, I think I need to issue a warning on this piece. It is very dark. Suicide, death and dying is in it yet has some hope thrown in too. So, It’s entirely up to you if you want to go ahead and read it 🙂
This photo prompt is provided by FFFAW and you can find the weekly prompt challenge here 🙂
Genres: Dark/Disturbing, Tragedy & Psychological
The darkness and desolation mirror my soul: hopeless, fearful and alone. But, a light keeps moving me forward even though I wish it would dim. I truly want to die but I also want to live. The ambivalence drives me insane. Why can’t I decide once and for all one way or the other? My friend says to me “don’t do it” and I think great, I chose death and now he’s stolen the moment: I hate it when he says something to stop me. Why can’t I just go?
But, however dark I feel, how void of hope I am, that light always remains, illuminating a small spot within me. In the end, I hope I’ll find meaning from my pain and the struggles I’ve had. And If I do and if I can do good, then my life will have been worth it and I’ll have finally found my peace – that’s the plan, anyway.
Amy Lester sat silently in the leather chair opposite Dr. Rupert Somes, just a heavy wooden desk between them. She had no idea what to say to him, where to begin. Rupert watched as Amy sat almost childlike in his office; he was going to enjoy this.
* * *
Before the Amy’s tears came, she had startled Somes with the outburst of the question “Why? Why did he do this to me?”Flying hands accompanying her raised voice that has been just as animate. Then she burst into tears, her palms on her face as she just sobbed, loudly – too loudly for the Dr to bear. Handing her a box of tissues he gently told her he wanted to help, waiting to go back to that night as a way of confronting the ordeal so Amy will no longer be haunted. Of course, Somes just wanted a repeat performance of the young Kelly Rodgers so as to satisfy his ever-increasing fascination about rape. It was simple as that and no other way of putting it. He wanted to know more. He wanted to rape and dominate this Amy Lester, who sat in front of him now wiping away her tears.
* * *
“It started when I was young Dr. Somes, the rape 7 years ago just brought all the memories crashing back. I feel I was put on this earth to be violated, hurt and fearful”. Rupert listened. “My Step-Father, he would wait until my mother and baby brother was asleep, then he’d come in my room and sit right there on the bed next to my face, reeking of alcohol. And then he would begin touching me, where he didn’t have my permission. Until I was 16 this went on for, no-one there to help, nobody witnessing it, no-one to tell. Can you see Doctor? I’m a mess because of it and the horrible things I felt about myself came true – it happened again, this time, 7 years back attacked by some dirty, dirty, sick bastard of a filthy pervert. It brought it all back, the last 7 years being hell on earth for me, unable to hold myself together. I have no life, I just exist day-to-day doing the best I can, working to get the rent paid, the bills, eat. Why did this happen to me?”
* * *
The whole time Amy spoke there grew a knot in his stomach, pushing down on him – he pushes it down, stuffing it away from his mind, but the strength of it he felt and he had to get out of there. “Amy, you are doing well, very well” She just nodded, back in the childlike state she was in earlier. “You’ve let a lot come out and it’s my practice to let my clients sit with those feelings, really feeling them, by themselves for a minute or two – it’s part of the process. So I shall be back in a few moments and we’ll continue. You have done very well”. He smiled as warmly as he could at her. She nodded in agreement and he left the room to head straight for the restroom where he felt he would truly throw his lunch up into the toilet.
* * *
He sat on the closed lid of the toilet in the cubicle, blotting the sweat that had begun to form on his upper lip, forehead and temples, blotting them as he tried so hard to get himself together: His mothers face came into his mind over and over. He swore he would never let it affect him again, he buries it deep inside himself, forgotten. And now this sick creature in his office has bought the memories, the feelings surging back. ‘Damn her’ he spoke with fury in his mind. Why? Why now after 30 odd years are the memories of his Mothers torment gripping him so tightly? ‘It’s her, It’s Amy Lester causing this. I refuse to let this happen, let her control me like this, dominate me. I do the dominating’ he swore to himself. His anger and rage bubbling too close to the surface made his mind up for him – Amy Lester is going to die.
I haven’t much time left anymore Erin, by Friday I know I will be gone. I cannot go without leaving you with a memory of your dear old Mum.
Please do not cry for me, I’ve led a wonderful life – including the most wonderful of all – having you x
I need you to look after yourself well, my sweet, so you don’t have the same fate as I. You are 15 years old and there was so much more I wanted to teach you. My 40-year-old body has failed me because I didn’t look after it. I don’t want the same to happen to you.
Take care of your body for me, eat all the right food. Exercise, doing what you love most; as with age, my love, comes wear and tear and illnesses more frequent. That’s the only thing I regret, that I didn’t take care of my body. But , you my precious, have time on your side. Don’t follow the same route that I took..
Keep that wonderful, intelligent mind of yours active; as that starts to frail too, the older you become. Never stop studying, it will keep your mind alive. Do Not let my passing hold you back, instead learn from the mistakes that I made in life and move forward making better choices..
I will always be by your side, my angel. And if you don’t do what I’ve asked of you, I’ll be forever whispering in your ear until you do!
I must go now my precious, my hands are weary, my body tiring.
I love you with all my heart, my sweet Erin. Please live happily for me and make sure that you listen to my words.