Knackered

Genre: Humour/Humor & That’s Life

 

Knackered

 

Knackered…. What does it even mean?

I am probably the definition of Knackered. Broken. Tired. Over the hill.
I think I have been around too long.

You do get worse for wear as you get older. Until you get there though, your teenaged feelings of invincibility slowly gets replaced with that unavoidable fact – that you did get old, just like those you once looked up to. Those that seemed to be born middle-aged. And of course, they were right, in many ways: It’s all downhill.

I’m not being pessimistic, I am telling it how it is – You Will Age: your body gets the hardest hit.
I can’t play tennis like I used to. Shit, I can’t even run for a bus like I did 5 years back. However, I may be knackered, but I sure as hell don’t have the mental maturity of a ** year old: Well, maybe in certain areas.

Young & Old. Half and half. 50% one way, 50% the other.

So, what can I do to improve the 50% that is old and tired?
How can I shift the percentages in favour of the young aspects of my personality and being?
How do I stop my body getting worse?

Life’s millions of questions.
And hindsight. What a beautiful thing, though incredibly unhelpful.

I think everyone is searching for the fountain of youth – one of life’s greatest quests shovelling up no successes to speak of.

And Anti-Ageing: How the heck can you ‘Un-Age’? I ask myself.
It doesn’t exist. Never has and never will. It’s a wasted effort. So save yourself a few quid.

I’m now well passed my sell-by-date. The time in your life, when as a teen you never thought would happen to you and come, does. Oh dear. Here it is.

Anyway. I’m knackered and I’m off to bed. What else can I say? I’ve reached middle-agedness.
I’ll get up a bit later today.

🙂

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Daily Post Prompt – ‘Knackered’. Click here to view

Sadistic Teachers and Such!

Hello! The following is a story for our Sunday Photo Fiction prompt (here) of a History class that’s a bit on the unusual side. Slightly disturbing but highly amusing which should make up for it! I hope you enjoy it (or not!) 🙂

 

Genre: Humour/Humor

185-12-december-11th-2016

 

 

Our History Teacher was bit of a sadist. He was trying to teach us his favourite torture methods of the 20th century in comparison to his favourites of 15th century medieval Europe. Suffice to say, we were most definitely not looking forward to this lesson.

He was particularly impressed with how torture techniques had ‘come a long way’ since their peak in medieval times. His favourite modern method involved  a blow torch inserted into a certain orifice and turned on – repeatedly. This was, as he joyously classed it, “pure genius”, and the ideal way to elicit a confession.

We in the class felt unwell. Plus we had to sit through more of this for another 45 minutes.

He gave us a handout. On it were descriptions of common medieval torture devices. Our job was to list them in order of effectiveness. The whole class lost all colour in their cheeks as they read down the list. Our Teacher, on the other hand, gushed uncontrollably.

With just 10 minutes left, my survival seemed imminent. Then he hit us with a homework assignment. We are to invent our own original torture device and the best ‘new method’ wins a prize. Inside, we were groaning as the lucky winner gets to accompany our Teacher on a guided tour of The London Dungeon’s where, as he put it, we can see first hand the marvels of past torture devices.

I don’t know what I’m going to come up with but I’m sure it’s going to be the lamest torture device ever imagined. No doubt Teacher will feel tortured reading it especially as the entire class has got the same idea.

Either way, the ringing bell goes and finally, our misery is over!

 

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The Boys Have Done It Again!

Genre: Humour/Humor

 

171 09 September 4th 2016

 
“Dave, Dave!” …”DAVE!!”

Bobby screamed as he came shooting round the corner to where his friend sat.

Looking up from his pint – and not in the mood for his pal today – asked what the problem was.

Bobby was now completely out of breath.

“It’s not a problem Dave.…It’s MONEY…money, money, MONEY!!!” ”

Dave’s immediate thought? “Continue my friend“…

…His actual words: “Spit it out then, Moron!”

“Lampposts!”

Dave wanted to cry.

“Lampposts?”

Unable to contain his excitement, Bobby, still trying to catch his breath, continued on.

“The storm that hit last night? It blew down some Antique Lampposts over at the canal walk. 19th Century Lampposts Dave… 19th CENTURY!…. It’s Moneeeeeeeey!!”

Dave’s interest suddenly peaked 10 fold.

“Antiques you say?”

“Yes!”

“Antique Lampposts?”

“Yes!!”

“Alright, lets go”

And off they set for the canal.

Now, what the duo didn’t know, was that the storm…. was due back in 2 minutes.

And as they were about to run off with the ‘Antique’ Lampposts, a 100 mph gust of wind blew the unsuspecting pair off their feet and right into the canal.

But they still held on to those Lampposts.

2 hours later, with the wind subsided, they emerged clambering back out of the water – drenched.

Dave hadn’t the chance to inspect their find. But when he did, he was none too pleased.

“Bobby! These are NOT bloody antiques!!”

“Sure they are Dave” Bob said feeling a little confused. “Why wouldn’t they be?”

Dave was losing the will to live…

“Because, you idiot, it’s got ‘Property of Greenwich Council’ written on it!!”

Oh dear. Poor Bob and Dave, they honestly thought they knew a quick buck when they saw one.

So, really fed up now, a disgruntled Dave squelched his way back to the pub. And Poor soggy Bobby couldn’t understand what just happened:

“I don’t get it. These ARE Antiques, you can tell”.

And to add insult to injury, the storm returned and blew him right back in the canal!  🙂

 

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Hello All! This story is a little bit late and my recent absence is because I’ve entered short-story competitions. It’s been an exciting process especially as it’s a new experience. I’m happy for the opportunity 🙂

So, this story today is from Sunday Photo Fiction’s weekly challenge. And each week the goal is to write 200 words, more or less, from a photo prompt. Click here to visit the site and one week maybe participate yourself?!

See you soon! 🙂

P.s. If you’d like to read more ‘Bob and Dave’ the pretty rubbish criminals, their antics are in two other stand alone stories.

“Boat, Watch Out!!” is found if you Click Here. And…

“Bob, Dave and the ‘Find’ of the Century” is Right Here.

Hope you enjoy! 🙂

Oh-no, not ‘That’ time again!

Genre: Humour/Humor – Idiocy!

 

 

Oh-no, not ‘That’ time again!

“Psssst!…..

…Pssssssst!!!”

East Rock was really trying his best to wake West Rock. They had ‘Visitors’ coming in half-hour and West Rock needed to be up.

“OI!!!” East Rock shouted. “WAKE UP!!” he yelled.

That got West Rocks attention; he began to stir. “What time is it?”

Not again. East Rock went through this every single year: Solstice coming, Visitors approaching and, as usual, West Rock, totally forgetting the time of year – again – always needing reminding.

As West Rock started to get his bearings, he grumbled the same moaning that he did every year:

“Why can’t they go to Stonehenge or somewhere, why do they have to come here for their ‘Praying to the Stones’ ritual? Don’t they realize that their laying hands on me, whilst chanting some kind of weirdness, doesn’t actually do anything?”

“Just do it” East Rock implored.

So with a heavy, bored sigh, West Rock did as he was told and began to ‘Vibrate’.

How these people thought this ridiculous charade was some kind of ‘Spiritual Awakening’, he had no idea.

But West Rock did know something. He knew that once they laid their hands on him and felt ‘Something’, they would think he was great. And possessing that kind of ‘public greatness’ meant just one thing: He, nor East Rock, would be bulldozed down only to be replaced by low-cost housing.

So, on that fact alone, he decided that ‘Vibrating’ for these incredibly deluded people was, very much, in his favour to do so. And, with that, he quit his moaning, saw the positive, and did as East Rock asked him to: and pulsed away!

 

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Today’s photo prompt by ‘Flash Fiction for Aspiring Authors’, which is on every Tuesday, and you can find it here.

Chosen? Noooooo!

Genre: Humour/Humor

 

© 2015, Barbara W. Beacham

photo: © Barbara.W.Beacham

Chosen? Noooooo!

 

The petroglyphs told the story of an unusual event, yes, they certainly did. it was the biyearly event that always sent waves of joy – and fear (for good reason) – across all the land: It was indeed that time again, time for the second annual event, which people rejoiced in, (or plain dreaded), for the mating ritual of the holiest of holiest: The Sacred Pigeons.

Each of  the 12 Tribe-Leaders eldest son’s had the unenviable task of potentially becoming the ‘Chosen’ one. They would all form a circle and the most revered Pigeon of them all  (the grey one) would fly high above their heads. The one it decided to crap on, was then, by rights, ‘Chosen’.

The Sacred Pigeon ritual mating is a symbol of abundance, good fortune, health and fertility. But, to the ‘Chosen’ one, it’s none of these things. As now that he is the official mating overseer – (making sure it goes smoothly, plus having enough birdseed on hand for when the Pigeons need a break) – to him, it was nothing but embarrassment, sheer humiliation, plain bad luck and total misery, to which he is sure of, he’ll never recover from!!

 

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Prompt by ‘Monday’s Finish the Story’ here. It’s fun, come and join in! 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Little Eric’s Language Barrier! *

Genre: Humour/Humor, Satire *

 

© 2015, Barbara W. Beacham

© 2015, Barbara W. Beacham

Little Eric’s Language Barrier! *

 

“Hey boys, how ‘bout y’all makin’ yer Ma some wind chimes?”

Little Eric, upon hearing his Uncles call, still found this kind of speech incredibly odd and hard to understand. He, after all, was here visiting from England and unaccustomed to his American Uncle and Cousins’ manner of speaking; he found it, in many ways, archaic.

Eric didn’t quite know what to make of his Uncle Marvin’s enthusiastic wordings regarding ‘something’. Though, his cousins – Billy, Bob and Joey – seemed rather full of excitement by what he had said.

Eric watched as they gleefully ran towards their Papa spouting noises in a fashion which Eric could only describe as ‘sheer exhuberance whilst yelping utter gibberish’.

He knew he should have learned ‘Gibberish’ before he came 😉

 

* * *

Prompt and story created from ‘Monday’s Finish the Story’ here.

* I noticed some displeasure Re today’s prompt on the site, so I give my apology if anybody is offended by my story… it’s a comical piece, harmlessly ripping both American Redneck speech as well as English Snobbery vocab taken to the extreme, but meant playfully… 🙂

 

 

 

Dude, That is SO Messed Up!!

**Warning: This is an ‘amusing’ Dark story that may offend**

 

Genre: Disturbing/Dark, Humour/Humor

 

Dude, That is SO Messed Up!!

 

“Dude, trust me, that whole fuck of a family are twisted psycho’s”

“I thought I’d have no balls left she was grabbing them so tight”

“Seriously, man, keep well away from that psycho bitch”

“Do you reckon it’s true then, you know, what they say about her brother?”

“Reckon?! More like Totally True!… He’s one of those who, in a few years, will progress from killing and eating animals to cannibalizing human beings…. Alive”

“No F Way! That is Sick!”

“And…. Her sister? I heard she’s in the nut-house coz she kept puking up her food – anorexia or some shit – and then after… was drinking her own vomit so she could be sick again”

“Noooo….That is so fucked up, man!”

“You know who the biggest sick and twisted psycho in that house is?…. Her Dad”

“Why, what’s his deal?”

“Dude, he fucks dead people”

“What the Fuck!”

“Yeah, when his wife died, he kept her body in the fridge in his cellar and screwed her every night… for a month!”

“No Effing Way!!”

“Way!!”

“That is one fucked up family”

“Dude, Trust me….. if that bitch starts rubbing your crotch again and saying she wants to eat your cock for dinner….”

“….Nah, she ain’t coming near my ‘goods’ now I know all this. Thanks, bro, for the heads up, see you after Math class?”

“Yeah, sure, meet you in gym for basketball practice…. Laters dude”.

 

* * *

Thank You Kristen Poli for introducing me to your Saturday Fiction Prompts!! here This was immensely enjoyable – even if it makes me sound like a twisted f*** myself for coming up with the story in the first place… But it was still a lot of fun writing it!